Unhappy

If I could just choose the kind of family I have… I would rather choose the ones I talk to or communicate with online than the ones I have right now… I’m not being ungrateful… I just get really unhappy a lot lately being around them..

Me? Being selfish? What do they call their being unsupportive of my dreams to vlog and be an artist and wanting me to fulfill their dreams instead? What do they call their forcing me to live in their province for good when they already know in the first place that I don’t feel comfortable there and what do they call comparing me to other people at my expense?? Just to make themselves feel better? Isnt that being selfish??

They expect me to listen to them when they themselves are turning a deaf ear everytime I try to open up to them how I feel when they compare me to other people and favoring others over me and also everytime they would force me to live in the province they are so proud of.. when I already told them SO MANY TIMES I don’t like the provincial life because I know in myself I will not survive there…. Did they even bother to listen? No. So why would they expect me to listen to them?

Can they blame me now for the times I attempted suicide or self-harm? Or even tried ending my life due to depression because they failed to be really there for me? even support me in reaching my dreams and goals of being a vlogger? Can they blame me for trying to end my life because I am no longer happy being with them? They kept insisting me to do this, do that according to the way they want things to be done… even when they know I am not comfortable with it. They never really listened… unlike my friends online – they are the ones who understand me more than my own family (which I dont even feel like calling these people here in my household anymore) . Sometimes , the ones you don’t know personally that much? are the ones who understand your struggles more than the ones you’re with. They understand how I feel.. and they support me more than my own family does.

Sometimes the people that are far away from you and not related to you by blood are the ones who act more like a famil than the ones you’re living with under one roof. So why blame me for choosing to communicate and open up with other people whom I just meet online more than my own family. Blood is thicker than water, yes. But I don’t feel that with my own family anymore.A lot of times I feel like they just want to control my life more than wanting me to learn.. … Where is the “family” in that?